How to help an autistic person accept mistakes and try again without becoming frustrated

—When a small mistake turns into a major problem

Imagine someone is drawing a picture. They have been working on it for twenty minutes and are proud of the result. Suddenly, they make a mistake with a single line.

They try to fix it, but the drawing no longer looks the way they expected.

They crumple up the paper, get angry, and refuse to draw anymore.

In another family, a child loses a card game and demands to start over, feeling that the outcome is unfair.

In another scenario, an autistic adult makes a mistake while doing a household chore and refuses to continue, believing that they have already done everything wrong.

Those witnessing these situations may feel bewildered.

They might think the person is overreacting, doesn’t know how to lose, or needs to learn to follow the rules.

But before trying to correct the behavior, it is worth pausing to ask a different question:

What does making a mistake mean to this person?

For some, a mistake might represent the loss of an expected outcome. For others, it could create uncertainty about how to proceed, a fear of criticism, or the feeling that it is no longer worth trying.

Not all autistic people experience these difficulties. However, when they do arise, they can interfere with learning, play, household chores, and family life.

That is why it is not enough to simply say, "You need to learn how to lose," or "It’s okay to make mistakes."

We need to teach something much more practical:

what to do when something goes wrong, how to recover, and how to find a way to keep going.

1. Discover what is actually bothering them about the mistake

Not all mistakes trigger the same reaction, and they do not all stem from the same cause.

Before trying to correct the response, observe what typically happens.

For example, a person might become upset because the result does not match what they had imagined. Another child might become distressed when someone points out a mistake in front of others.

Another might be fine with making mistakes while playing, but freeze up when it comes to a school activity.

And yet another might not know how to correct what they have done, and therefore choose to give up.

Over the course of a few days, observe specific situations:

- What were they trying to do?

- What turned out differently than expected?

- What did they do immediately afterward?

- What helped them to keep going?

- How did the reactions of others either increase or decrease their distress?

You don’t need to turn every mistake into an investigation. It is enough to simply identify recurring patterns.

Understanding what makes recovery difficult is far more useful than merely insisting that the person stop getting upset.

2. Do not correct the mistake while the person is completely overwhelmed.

Imagine that someone has made a mistake on a task and begins to cry.

If, at that moment, you say:

“You need to learn to do better.”

“You shouldn’t get upset over every little thing.”

“Start over, and this time, do it right.”

...you may simply be adding more pressure to a situation that is already difficult for them.

When distress is intense, the priority is to regain calm and ensure that the situation is safe.

You might say:

“I can see that things didn’t go the way you expected.”

“Let’s take a break.”

“We don’t have to solve everything right now.”

If they need space, allow them to have it—provided it is safe to do so. If they prefer company, stay nearby without demanding that they speak immediately.

Later on, when they are ready to return to the task, you can review what happened.

Taking a break does not mean the problem has disappeared; it simply means you are choosing a more appropriate time to teach how to resolve it.

3. Teach them that making a mistake does not mean having failed

One of the most important distinctions we can teach is the difference between what a person does and who a person is.

It is not the same to say:

"You made a mistake in this exercise."

as it is to say:

"You are a disaster at math."

The first statement identifies a specific, addressable issue.

The second turns a particular difficulty into a judgment about the person as a whole.

Avoid expressions such as:

"You never do anything right."

"You are always getting things wrong."

"This is very easy; you should know how to do it."

Instead, use precise explanations:

"This answer does not match the result."

"We placed this piece the wrong way around."

"The recipe requires a different amount."

Then, show them what can be done.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends acknowledging effort and helping children understand that skills can be developed through practice, rather than tying their personal worth exclusively to the outcome.

The goal is for them to be able to think, "This didn't go well," without concluding, "I’m just no good at this."

4. Practice how to fix a mistake, not just how to avoid one

This is one of the most useful lessons for daily life.

We can teach someone how to avoid mistakes, but we will never be able to ensure they never make any.

That is why they also need to learn how to fix them.

Imagine they spill water on the table.

Instead of simply pointing out the problem, you can show them a sequence:

1. STOP: Place the glass in a safe spot.

2. IDENTIFY: Observe what happened.

3. FIND A SOLUTION: Get a suitable cloth.

4. FIX: Wipe up the water, providing whatever help is needed.

5. CONTINUE: Return to the activity.

In other situations, the solution will be different. If a word is misspelled, you can correct it.

If a piece is placed incorrectly, you can remove it and try again.

If you have misunderstood an instruction, you can ask for it to be explained in a different way.

This strategy teaches a skill that is useful far beyond any specific task:

when something goes wrong, we can figure out what to do next.

5. Don’t erase or redo everything just because a small part went wrong

Some people react to a mistake by trying to discard all the work they’ve done.

A drawing has one incorrect line, and they want to tear up the paper.

A worksheet contains one wrong answer, and they want to start from scratch.

A household chore isn’t perfect, and they prefer to just give up on it.

If this happens often, you can teach them to distinguish between three options:

CORRECT: Modify a small part.

CONTINUE: Leave the mistake as is, provided it doesn’t prevent the task from being completed and carries no significant consequences.

REPEAT: Start over—but only when truly necessary.

You can practice this with low-stakes activities, such as drawing, building with blocks, or making a list.

For example:

“The house you drew has a window you didn’t intend to include. We could erase it, turn it into something else, or just leave it as it is. What would you prefer?”

The goal isn’t to force someone to accept a result they find unbearable; it’s to show them that there are alternatives to destroying or abandoning their work.

6. Learn to offer corrections without turning every mistake into a critique

The way a correction is presented can significantly influence how it is received.

Imagine someone is setting the table and places a plate in the wrong spot.

You could say:

“You did it wrong again.”

Or, you could explain:

“This plate goes here. Look at where we placed it last time.”

The second approach identifies what needs to change and provides a concrete reference point.

Whenever possible:

- Point out the specific step that needs correcting.

- Avoid bringing up past mistakes.

- Show how to make the correction.

- Give the person time to try it themselves.

- Acknowledge the effort they put into trying again.

There is no need to hide every mistake or pretend that everything is perfect; people need honest feedback.

The key lies in correcting an action without humiliating the person who performed it.

7. Teach them to ask for help before giving up

A person might abandon a task because they don’t know how to proceed and fear making another mistake.

Instead of expecting them to find the solution on their own, teach them a clear way to ask for help.

They could say:

“I don’t know what to do next.”

“Could you show me this step?”

“I need a hint.”

“Can you go over this with me?”

If they use images, gestures, writing, or a communication device, these expressions can be adapted to their usual system.

You could place a small card on their table:

I NEED HELP

SHOW ME THE NEXT STEP

I NEED A BREAK

The idea is not to solve every problem for them.

It is to teach them that there are alternatives between doing something perfectly on the first try and giving up on the activity entirely.

8. Practice losing in games without turning it into a test

Losing a game can be a difficult experience for some people—especially when they expected to win or hadn’t realized that the outcome could change.

However, there is an important distinction between practicing how to cope with a loss and setting up situations specifically to demonstrate that someone doesn’t know how to lose.

Start with short games that carry little emotional risk.

Before playing, explain the rules and set the expectation that anyone could win or lose.

You might say:

“We’re going to play three rounds. We don’t know who will win. When we’re finished, we’ll put the cards away.”

During the game, avoid teasing, boasting, or deliberately trying to provoke a reaction.

If they lose, acknowledge their disappointment without arguing:

“You wanted to win, but that didn’t happen. I know that’s upsetting for you.”

When they are ready, you can discuss what they might do differently next time, or simply move on to another activity.

If competitive games cause significant distress, start with cooperative games, where both people work together toward a shared goal. Later on, you can explore other types of play, if it proves helpful for the individual.

*The goal is not to force them to enjoy losing. It’s about helping her tolerate the outcome, recover, and decide what she wants to do next.

9. Teach them phrases to use when they lose

It is not enough to simply say that they must accept the outcome. They may need to know what to do or say in that moment.

Practice some simple options:

"I didn't win this time."

"I want to take a break for a moment."

"Can we play another game later?"

"I want to learn how to do it."

"Congratulations on winning."

Not everyone has to use the same phrases. Some may prefer to remain silent, step away briefly, or express their disappointment in a different way.

It is also important to teach them that it is okay to feel sad or angry about losing, provided that safety boundaries are respected and other participants are treated with respect.

Accepting a defeat does not mean being happy about it. It means being able to move forward without causing harm to others or to oneself.

10. Let them see how you react when you make a mistake

Adults make mistakes, too.

We might make a mistake while cooking, forget something, lose a game, or put an object in the wrong place.

When this happens, avoid hiding it or reacting as if the mistake were a catastrophe.

You could say:

"I made a mistake measuring the flour. Let me check the recipe."

"I forgot to buy bread. I’ll add it to the list for next time."

"I didn't win this game. I enjoyed playing with you."

There is no need to stage artificial mistakes or exaggerate a positive reaction.

Simply allow the person to see that a mistake can be acknowledged, corrected when necessary, and moved past.

Support materials for families from the National Autistic Society specifically recommend showing how adults handle their own mistakes, as this facilitates observational learning.

11. Do not turn every activity into a competition

If every game, exercise, or task is framed as a comparison, the person may begin to associate learning with winning or with proving their own competence.

Introduce activities where the goal is something different. For example:

Building something together: success lies in finishing the construction.

Following a recipe: the goal is to complete the steps safely.

Solving a puzzle: you can work together to come up with a strategy.

Learning a new skill: the goal is to discover what helps in mastering it.

In these activities, the outcome does not depend on defeating someone else.

This provides an opportunity to practice perseverance, collaboration, and problem-solving, without the focus always being on winning or losing.

12. Acknowledge the strategies that help the person keep going

When someone manages to correct a mistake, avoid simply saying "very good."

Acknowledge what they did to resolve it.

For example:

"You made a mistake in your calculation, checked it, and found the problem."

"You asked for help when you didn't know what the next step was."

"The drawing didn't turn out the way you wanted, but you found a way to modify it."

"You lost the game, took a pause, and then decided what you wanted to do next."

This kind of acknowledgment helps the person identify behaviors they can use again in other situations.

Also, avoid praising only perfection.

It is not necessary for every task to go perfectly. What matters is that the person is able to learn, make corrections, and ask for support when needed.

13. If a mistake happens in front of others, protect the person's dignity

Making a mistake in public can be especially uncomfortable.

Imagine someone gives an incorrect answer in class or makes a mistake when asking for something in a store.

If others laugh, family members might feel tempted to immediately explain the person's autism or correct the answer in front of everyone.

However, it is better to consider what the person actually needs in that moment.

Sometimes, offering discreet help is enough.

You could say:

"I think this is what you meant. Would you like to go over it together?"

Or, wait until you are in a quiet place to talk about what happened.

Do not turn every public mistake into a lesson in front of other people.

If someone ridicules the person, intervene to stop the mockery and protect them.

Later, once they are calm, you can decide whether they need to practice a specific skill, or if the main issue was simply how others reacted.

14. The difference between making a mistake and causing harm

This point is important to ensure the article does not imply that all behaviors should be accepted without consequences.

Making a mistake while performing a task is not the same as causing harm to another person.

If someone accidentally breaks an object, we can teach them how to safely pick up the pieces, report what happened, and—whenever possible—repair the damage.

If someone hits another person, our first priority must be to protect those involved and address any injuries. Afterward, when the time is right, we can teach a safer way to express distress or resolve the situation.

In both cases, the guidance provided should be clear and respectful.

The goal is neither to automatically blame the autistic person nor to ignore the harm that has been caused.

Instead, it is about understanding what happened, addressing the needs of everyone involved, and teaching alternative ways of handling the situation.

15. Do not insist on an immediate second attempt

Sometimes, after making a mistake, a person needs to rest.

If they have experienced intense frustration, demanding that they try again right away may increase their aversion to the activity.

You can offer options:

“Would you like to try again now, or after you’ve had a rest?”

“Would you prefer that I show you the step, or would you like to try it yourself first?”

“Would you like to continue with this task, or would you prefer to choose a simpler one?”

This is not about abandoning an activity at the first sign of difficulty; rather, it is about adjusting the timing and the level of support so that the person can engage again.

Later on, you can review what happened and decide which specific step to practice.

Trying again can also mean attempting the task after a break.

16. When to seek professional help

If a fear of making mistakes prevents someone from participating in daily activities, leads to persistent avoidance, significantly impacts their learning, or triggers frequent and intense episodes of distress, it is advisable to consult with professionals who know the individual. It is also worth paying attention if there are signs of extreme self-criticism, a constant fear of being corrected, withdrawal, or significant changes in the person’s overall well-being.

A professional can help assess whether there are other contributing factors—such as anxiety, learning difficulties, or additional needs—that may require individualized support.

Not all difficulties in accepting mistakes stem from the same cause, and there is no single strategy that works for every autistic person.

A tool to use at home: the four-step plan

You can display this short sequence in the area where the person engages in learning activities.

WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG

1. PAUSE

I stop and take a calm breath, if that helps me.

2. LOOK

I look at what has happened.

3. CHOOSE

I decide whether I need to make a correction, ask for help, or take a rest.

4. TRY AGAIN

I continue when I am ready.

This plan should be adapted to the individual’s way of understanding and communicating. It can be presented using photographs, drawings, words, or symbols.

It should not be used to force someone to keep working when they are completely overwhelmed. The goal is to provide a tool for recovery and for choosing the next step.

What a family can change, starting today

You don’t need to set up a complex program to get started.

The next time someone makes a mistake during a daily task, try changing just one thing: instead of immediately pointing out the error, ask them what they think happened and what kind of help they need to move forward.

If they cannot answer, offer an alternative.

If they are very upset, allow for a pause.

When they are ready, help them make any necessary corrections.

Afterward, acknowledge the step they were able to complete.

With practice, they can learn that making a mistake doesn’t always mean starting from scratch, that it is perfectly okay to ask for help, and that there are different ways to solve a problem.

True skill isn’t about never making mistakes.

It’s about learning how to recover from them and figuring out what to do next.

Frequently asked questions about autism and the fear of making mistakes

Why do some autistic individuals become so frustrated when they make a mistake?

The reasons can vary. Some may struggle to accept that the outcome differs from what they expected; others might experience uncertainty, a fear of criticism, or difficulty figuring out how to fix the problem. It is important to observe each situation without assuming there is only one single cause.

How can you help a child with autism who tears up their work when they make a mistake?

Try to identify which part they find most challenging, reduce the pressure during the moment, and later teach them specific alternatives—such as correcting a particular section, asking for help, taking a break, or simply continuing. If this happens frequently and interferes with learning, seek professional guidance.

Explain the rules before starting, use short games, acknowledge their disappointment without arguing, and teach them ways to move forward or ask for a break. Cooperative games can also provide an opportunity to practice enjoying an activity together, without the focus being entirely on winning.

Should I let them start over every time they make a mistake?

Not necessarily. You can teach them to identify which part needs correction and when it is reasonable to continue without redoing the entire task. It is best to approach this gradually, ensuring that the correction process does not turn into a struggle.

How can I provide corrections without increasing their frustration?

Describe the error in concrete terms, show what can be changed, and avoid comments that cast a negative judgment on the person. Give them time to process the information and practice making the correction.

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